However, it makes sense. The hog must adapt in order to survive. It no longer lives under the nurturing care of the farmer. It has to find it's own food, it will be exposed to harsh elements.
More on hogs later.
Before I met Tiffany, I was never a co-dependent person. Sure, I dated some nice girls from time to time. But, I was never someone who HAD to be in a relationship. I had great friends, and I had great family that I spent a lot of time with. I thought they were all I needed.
Then, I met a beautiful girl from Minnesota and she ruined all of that. (In a good way.)
I can clearly recall, in our early days of dating, telling myself that she was great...but I still wasn't one of those co-dependent people.
But, something happened. Something changed. I let her in. I never wanted to be apart from her. I fell in love. I asked her to marry me.
I had been tamed. I became domesticated. And, I loved it.
Doing the things* I used to do as a bachelor just weren't quite as fun anymore. Wild road trips and adventurous weekends with my friends took a backseat to quiet weeknights spent watching Netflix on the couch. Activities that used to be a way of life became occasional hobbies. This was all by choice, not by force. I didn't change or forsake who I was, I just changed who I wanted to be.
I wanted to be a good husband. I wanted to become a father. I liked being a family man. She brought out the best in me.
Now what? Where do I go from here? Everything has changed. This was not the way it was supposed to happen.
How could I ever go back to being the person I was? In short, the answer is, I never could. Not that there was anything wrong with the person I was, I'm pretty sure people liked that dude too. But, now that I've experienced a fuller and richer life, how do I define joy and happiness in her absence? (Notice I said define. I still experience joy and happiness. But, how do I define it now when so much of my joy and happiness was tied up in sharing it with Tiffany?)
C.S. Lewis expressed similar despair in his book "A Grief Observed". Lewis was much in the same boat I was, enjoying his bachelorhood and independence until he married a woman to help keep her from being deported. But, he fooled around and fell in love. (H. is the initial used instead of using his deceased wife's full name)
Oh God, God, why did you take such trouble to domesticate this creature if only now to reintroduce it to the wild?
Like the domesticated piggies turned feral hogs, I can feel my tusks growing in and I know my fur is getting thicker. (That's a metaphor, not a beard joke.)
I'm doing what I have to do to survive. I'm trying to revisit the fun things from my past that used to bring me joy and happiness. I'm trying to enjoy life without the necessity of sharing it with someone. It's a rough transition, but it's happening.
Though I'm learning to survive in the wild, I have to wonder; Can the feral hog ever be domesticated again? I don't know.
I won't leave you on such a terribly depressing note. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that I'm very thankful for the friends and family who are journeying with me and helping me rediscover a definition of joy and happiness. The concerts, the late nights, the conventions, the future fishing and hunting trips, and all the upcoming plans sure make life a little more enjoyable.
I still don't know where life goes from here. But, I couldn't ask for better people to help me figure it out. (or, help me make it up as we go along)
After all, pigs do run in herds. (That's meant to be endearing, not insulting.)
Grace and Peace,
Robert
(*Not to be listed here in order to avoid self incrimination.)
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