The Ways in which we Move.

Yesterday, I told my church council that I was planning on moving back to Muncie. I am not leaving the church. Just moving out of the parsonage.

I did not reach this decision easily. I spent a lot of time in prayer, discussion, and discernment before arriving at this conclusion. 

I loved our home at the "Abner Ranch". It was perfect for Tiffany, Jax, and I. We had our own place, in the middle of nowhere. All we needed was each other, and we got along just fine. 

But, it doesn't feel like my home anymore. It's our home, minus one. Well, minus two really, since Jax went to live with Brian and Rachel.

The commute home from Muncie gets longer each time. An hour drive seems that much longer when you've got no one to go home to.

This move is necessary for my spiritual and emotional health.

And, the move isn't that far fetched. I'm merely flip flopping which community I live in, relative to the two communities I serve. I actually work more days a week in Muncie, so I'll be commuting one less day a week.

But, I make no illusions that moving will be easy. Not only do I love my big, rent free, house in the country...it was our house. It was a place where so many memories were made, and so much of a future was planned.

The memories remain. But, that future is lost.

Losing a vision for the future is one of the hardest things to lose, especially when it involves losing the person you planned on making that future with. This happens in the loss of a spouse, the loss of a child, and even in a divorce.

Does that mean there is no future? Of course not.

But, one of the hardest things to convince yourself of, is that planning a new future is not a betrayal of the memories of the past. It's not a betrayal of the future you wanted. It's not a betrayal of the loved one you lost.

But, grief lies to you. Grief can make you feel like a jerk for trying to move forward with your life.

Because let's be honest, we don't want to move forward with life. We want to move backward, back where we were with the ones we love.

But, we can't move back. We know we have to move forward.

Notice I didn't say "move on".

How could we ever "move on"? It's foolish to think that we could "move on" and simply forget all of the joy of our memories, or the pain of our losses. 

But, it's the fear that keeps us here. We are afraid that if we move forward we're going move further away from the one we've lost, we're going to be unfaithful to their memory.

In these moments of fear, I'm comforted by the words of Saint John Chrysostom, "They whom we love and lose are no longer where they were before. They are now wherever we are."

All of this goes through my mind when I consider moving back to Muncie.

But, in the long run, I know that it's the right decision.

I'm kind of a social guy, so living in a town with a population larger than 250 might be good for me. I've got some long time friends in Muncie and there are plenty of things going on to keep me active and healthily busy.

Tiffany would want me to move forward, I would want her to do the same if the situation was reversed. 

But, I will miss our home. I will miss the life that we made for ourselves there.