Well, perhaps moving forward isn't the only choice. But it is the only viable one.
We want to move backward to where our loved ones were.
We know we can't do that.
We want to not move at all. The dull consistent pain of stasis is easier to handle than the sharp pains of new birth.
Rebirth.
Resurrection.
You can't have resurrection without death.
Death stings.
In order to rise anew, part of you has to die.
Though a part of my wife will always live within me, I must realize that part of me died with her.
In that death, I must seek resurrection.
Sometimes it's a lot harder to move forward than other times. Especially when it involves literally moving.
Moving and settling into my new home has been going well. My new home is in a great location, and I get to hang out with my Muncie friends consistently.
I need that.
The life that my friends (in Muncie and elsewhere) give to me is part of the resurrection process.
Last week in church, someone asked me how the move and the settling in has been going. My countenance must have substantially changed because they smiled and they said, "You look happy."
I think I'm ready to let myself feel happy again.
But, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
This doesn't mean that any of this has been easy, nor does it mean the experience of moving hasn't seen it's share of grief.
After a night of packing, and following a day of working, a came home to the boxes stacked up in the living room and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Oh God, this is happening.
The last time there were boxes stacked in the living room, we were moving in.
Newly Married.
Our whole lives ahead of us.
It was overwhelming.
The next week, I was having a terrible night packing.
Just struggling.
I had my phone in my hand trying to decide who to call to help me chill out a little bit.
My phone literally went off in my hands.
I managed to at least say hello before I started going off like Ron Burgundy after Baxter gets kicked off the bridge.
Sometimes, ya just gotta get it out.
I also faced the difficulty of packing up some of Tiffany's things that I hadn't found the courage to go through yet.
Throughout this whole process, it has been hard for me to go through the trivial everyday things that she laid down planning to come back to.
The things on her sink.
The things on her desk, among them the church bulletin from the day of the accident.
Her office at work.
The things that remind me of how abrupt her departure was.
When the day came for us to make the major part of the move. I still hadn't touched her desk at the house. I hadn't found the time or emotional energy.
While we were hauling some stuff to Muncie, members of my church family hung around the house to help pack and prepare more stuff for another trip.
They packed up the things from her desk for me.
The boxes are clearly marked and I can go through them when I'm ready.
Sometimes, you've got to let people help you do the things you're not ready to do.
Sometimes, you've got to be okay with accepting that there are still some things that you're not ready to do.
I'm very thankful that they packed that stuff up for me. I'm sure they knew it was what I needed.
Then I had a birthday.
As if shaving my beard, moving, and getting approved for ordination* wasn't transitional enough...I had to process celebrating my first birthday without her.
Tiffany took birthdays seriously.
Cards, cakes, favorite beers, you name it. She pulled out all the stops. Last year, she even got me prosciutto! And, an Indy Brew Bus tour!
We used to buy concert tickets for each other for birthdays. That's why I was so thankful that my friends took me to see Kiss and Def Leppard this past weekend. We kept part of the tradition alive and we had an awesome time. (Except for the lack of sleep)
On my birthday, I sat thinking about her in my office at work and how she liked to make a big fuss about birthdays.. I listened to the rain POURING down outside of my office and I remembered something she used to tell me.
Rain is used as a plot device in literature and film to signify change. (She reminded me of that every time she made me watch The Notebook.)
Then, naturally, I began to think about the use of water in the Biblical narrative.
The Israelites were led through water to deliver them from oppression to new lives of freedom.
The water of baptism sets us free from the bonds of sin and death for new lives in Christ.
Both significant changes for the people of God in each of the Testaments involving water.
I thought of all of this as I sat in my office listening to the rain that day.
It was a Holy Spirit moment for me. I had to sit back in my chair and take it all in.
My wife and the Holy Spirit were with me in my office that day.
Change does occur, but so does new life. There is resurrection.
I think I'm ready to let myself feel happy again.
Grace and Peace,
Robert
*To be discussed in a future blog.
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