Tales of Travel and a Sweet Little Dream

This is going to be a catch-all post that will attempt to encapsulate the many places I've been over the last month, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 

I don't know where to begin, so let's begin with the music that has been sustaining me over the last month. As I type I'm listening to Explosions in the Sky, this band has always helped my creative process, but if I listen to them too long I get too contemplative. I've somehow found myself coming back to Kanye West's latest album "Yeezus". I hated the album when it came out because I thought it was narcissistically mediocre. But, something about "Blood on the Leaves" has captured me, the emotion of the song matches my emotion some days. There's anger in the song, I don't have a lot of anger, but the mood of the song identifies the trace amount of anger that lingers inside me. Obviously, the lyrics don't really coincide with what I'm experiencing. And, of course, I keep finding myself coming back to my favorite alt-country albums. Trace by Son Volt and Stranger's Almanac by Whiskeytown have been a consistent soundtrack for my life the past 6 months.

Let's talk about the Tiffany Tour.

For a description of what the trip was going to be, please revisit this post.

The trip went off without a hitch. No car problems. No accidents. No major detours to speak of. The final trip odometer was 2,146.1 miles.

I really enjoyed seeing everyone and spending time with them. But, before I can tell you more about the trip, I have to tell you about a movie.

Before I left for the trip, I watched a movie called "The Way". Emilio Estevez wrote, directed, and played a part in the film. And, his father Martin Sheen played his father in the film. Emilio isn't in the film much, his character dies early on in the film while he's attempting to hike the Camino de Santiago. His father goes to Spain to collect his remains, but decides to walk the pilgrimage. It's a great film and I would recommend it. But, the reason I'm telling you about it is because there are scenes in the film where Martin Sheen's character sees his son along the journey. Not in a ghostly sort of way, or a cheesy "Hey, did you see that!?" sort of way. He just sees his son doing the things his son would have done if he would have hiked the trail, and it brought him peace. In the depth of the grief of losing his son, he found comfort in remembering the things his son loved to do. And, in those moments, he was with his son again.

On the Tiffany Tour, I saw Tiffany. 

Again, not in a ghostly sort of way. I just saw her imprint on all the places I stopped along the way. I saw her sitting around the table laughing with us as we told stories over beers. I saw her so happy to see new babies and baby bumps. I saw her relaxing in the cabin that she loved so much. I heard her reprimanding me for bringing up funny/embarrassing memories. She was there.

Most of the time, these feelings brought me happiness. But, sometimes they made me weep like a child as soon as I drove far enough to not be spotted by those I was leaving.

The trip was long. The trip was exhausting. The trip was joyful. The trip was sad. The trip was needed. The trip was worth it.

The last night of the tour was in Chicago, where it all began. Julie and Ozzie surprised me by having these shirts made for their softball team. I was blown away. And, they let me first base coach!

I was home for a week after the Tiffany Tour, then I left again.

This time I traveled to Nebraska City, that's in Nebraska. I was there for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America Campus Ministry Staff Gathering. 

I have to tell you, I was STRESSED about leaving for this trip. Many of you know, I'm not the type who stresses out easily. I was stressed about making sure my work was done before I left. I was stressed about working on seminary assignments while I was home. I was stressed about not checking a bag and only bringing a carry-on. I was stressed about going to a conference where I wouldn't know many people.

When have I ever been stressed about having the opportunity to meet new people?

I used to thrive on that sort of thing.

But, since the accident, since I lost my better half, I've found myself struggling with this on occasion. 

(Side story that coincides with the bigger story I'm trying to tell: I became self aware about this struggle a couple of months ago. I went to visit my friends Kate and Matt in Springfield, OH. While I was there, I got to meet some super rad people and I had an awesome time. It wasn't until I was driving home from that trip that I had realized that it was the first time since the accident that I had really met new people. Like, actually met and hung out with new people. That trip really helped me realize that even though part of me had died, there's still a lot of me left. There's still enough of me left to maintain my identity, there's still enough of me worth meeting. I've never had a low feeling of self worth, it's just that I was an only child and I've always felt a need for people to like me. Visiting Kate and Matt, meeting new people, and making new friends really restored a lot of me for me. But, it's still a struggle. Now, back to the story I was trying to tell...)

I was stressed about going to Nebraska. But, I knew that I just needed to get to Nebraska. I knew that if I could get to Nebraska I'd be fine.

I got to Nebraska.

I met super rad people.

I had an awesome time.

But, I knew that part of the difficulty of meeting new people was going to be that if I really got to know them I would have to share my story. The last six months are a pretty big part of my story.

When you meet new people, you never really know how to ruin the conversation by telling them that you're widowed.

But, just like when I met my new friends in Springfield, my new friends in Nebraska were cool about it.

One such interaction stands out in my mind.

In this blog, I've spoken about some of the awful things that people with the best intentions say to you in your time of loss.

This is not one of those occasions.

On the last night of the trip, I was hanging out with some folks I'd spent the better part of the week with and the conversation turned to some of my tattoos. So, naturally, I had to explain why I have my tattoo in memory of Tiffany. I hadn't shared Tiffany's death with the two guys I was talking to throughout the conference.

Naturally, caught off guard by what I had just told them. One of the guys just looked at me and said, "I love you, man."

In times of great loss, in times of deep grief, words fail us.

But, love never does...

Love never fails.

Grace, Peace, and Love to you all,

Robert

P.S. I guess I should share that I had another dream. But, not the same kind of dream. This was an in-betweener. This one was too telling to be just an ordinary dream, but not nearly as strong as the dream/vision that inspired my tattoo.

I was staying with Brian and Rachel in Indy when I got back from Nebraska. I had a dream where Tiffany was riding in my new truck with me. Obviously, she never got to see my new truck. But, she knew I wanted a Ridgeline the whole time we were together.

We were in the truck, and she was happy. She was laughing and smiling. And, I remember thinking in the dream, "Tiffany must not have died in the accident." But, something wasn't all the way right. Tiffany wasn't all the way there. We weren't really interacting. But, I was just so happy to be with her and see her happy.

But, I couldn't find a place to park. Over and over again, I tried to park, and I couldn't.

Then I woke up. And, I remembered that she was gone.

But, I wasn't sad when I woke up. I was happy. The dream helped me realize that she's still with me, she just isn't all the way here. (Not nearly with me as much as I want her to be)

And, I know that wherever she is, she's happy.

I thank God that the veil can be so thin sometimes...

Checking in

It's been a month since I've posted, I've broken my rule of posting once a week.

However, I've been on the move. As many of you read in the previous post, I was on the Tiffany Tour for two and a half weeks. There will be a reflection post about that in the near future.

I've been home for a week. But, now I'm leaving for Nebraska for a campus ministry staff gathering.

I'll be home for two weeks after that. Then I'll be in Tennessee for vacation, followed by South Dakota for vacation. Both will be awesome.

However, all this busyness is a reminder that life goes on. It's a blessing and a curse that life goes on. Sometimes we welcome it, sometimes we're not ready for it. You can either get on the train or stand on the tracks.

I'll write a real post in a week, hold me to it.

Tiffany Tour 2014

Later this week, I will be embarking on a trip that I've affectionately titled "Tiffany Tour 2014: Laughs, Tears, and Beers.

One week from today I start my final session of classes at Luther Seminary in Saint Paul, Minnesota. My seminary experience has been a blessing, fruitful experience. However, the journey didn't go quite like I had planned. It's hard to believe how much my life has changed since I began classes. 

But, finishing my classes is finishing a journey that Tiffany and I started together. It's upholding our vision, it's finishing a goal that we set. It's remaining faithful to the vocation that God called me to. It's trusting that God has sustained me through this terribly heartbreaking final leg of the journey.

I finish my classes for Tiffany as much as for myself. Because I know it is what she would want for me. I know that she would want me to continue working on building God's Kingdom. 

However, seminary is only one part of the journey I will be embarking on in the upcoming weeks.

I've taken vacation time before and after seminary in order to make the drive to and from Minnesota at a leisurely pace.

Along the way, I will be stopping to visit and stay with Tiffany and I's friends and family. (Hence the creative name of the journey) I cannot wait to see many wonderful people along the way. However, I make no illusions that this will be an easy trip. 

This will be emotional.

This will be exhausting.

But ultimately, it will be worth it.

It is important for me to honor and maintain the relationships with others that Tiffany and I had together. Maintaining these relationships is not some sort of dreadful obligation, it is a joyous reaction to the love and friendship I found in these relationships.

In some small way, we can keep parts of Tiffany alive for one another.

It may not be much, but it's all we've got.

In grief's lonely exile, you hold onto what you've got. 

Here's an outline of the trip:

5/28- Leave Indiana and travel to Chicago to spend the evening with Kendra and Patrick

5/29- Leave Chicago and travel to Iowa to stay with Erin and Ben

5/31- Leave Iowa and head to the Twin Cities to spend time with Bryan, Stephen, and Poppa Thorsell

6/2-6/7- Seminary Classes

6/8 & 6/9- Go to the Cabin in Northern Minnesota with Bryan, Stephen, and Poppa Thorsell

6/10- Head to "The U.P." and stay with Lindsey and Kurt

6/11- Travel to Watertown, WI to stay with Emily and Kyle

6/12- Venture down to Kenosha, WI to stay with Ashley and Brian

6/13- Make the short trek back to Chicago to stay with Julie and Ozzie, and hopefully see Laurie and Dave

6/14- Return to beautiful Bryant, IN

Did you keep up with all of that?

Neither did I.

I will be blogging intermittently along the way. Perhaps short, succinct blogs that get to the point. (I'm not typically know for brevity) 

Please continue to keep me in your prayers. Believe me, they continually to strengthen and sustain me.

I'll see y'all down the road...

Grace and Peace,

Robert

That Night

I wondered if I would ever get around to writing this post.

I wasn't sure if it was necessary. 

But, a lot of time has passed, and I'm realizing that people still want to know what happened the night of the accident.

I told the story in person to most of the folks I felt needed to hear it in person. I've also shared it with people who have asked.

I don't mind people asking. I now understand that not knowing, can be just as hard as knowing. Some people need the closure of hearing the story.

So, for those of you who need the closure, I share the saddest story I will ever tell.

We needed a new couch.

Tiffany's old brown couch from her apartment had been taken over by Jax and it was unfit for guest use. A friend that she worked with was getting rid of her nice couch to get new furniture, so she offered us the couch for free.

We borrowed a truck from some friends in the church, loaded up the old couch to take to Goodwill, and we made our way to Muncie.

We were originally planning on making the trip the previous Friday. But, after a day of work, and a bad weather forecast, we decided to postpone until Sunday.

Upon arriving in Muncie, we dropped the couch off at Goodwill and proceeded to go out for dinner. Eating out in Muncie was always a highlight for Tiffany. Between living in Bryant and working in Gas City, she wasn't afforded the opportunity to sit down to a nice dinner very often.

After dinner, we went to her friend/co-workers house. We loaded up the couch and began our journey home. The weather wasn't "bad", the condensation in the air was so inconsequential that we opted to not cover the couch with the tarp we had purchased.

I was concerned about the possibility of some of the couch cushions flying out of the truck bed. So, we pulled into Hi-Way 3 hardware on the edge of town and she grabbed a couple of them. She placed one between us on the bench seat, and she held one in her lap and she remarked, "This oughta keep me safe."

Driving slowly and steadily, so as to not lose the remaining couch cushions in the truck bed, we made our way to Portland.

Again, the weather hadn't presented any threat. I never lost traction or felt unsafe.

As we made our way North out of Portland, we were having a laugh about some of the low rent motels on that side of town. We wondered, who would ever stay at these places?

Right after that, Tiffany turned to me and said "Wouldn't it suck if this thing (the truck) rolled?"

Before I could jokingly give her a smart assed answer about how the truck wouldn't roll or it's built tough enough to be safe either way...

We hit black ice.

I wasn't even up to the speed limit coming out of Portland. The curve is so slight you'd never take notice of it. I wasn't texting. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't distracted.

We hit black ice. And, I lost the rear end of the truck.

As I tried to regain control, my only thought was to avoid the telephone pole. I thought driving into the field wouldn't be a problem, hitting the pole would be. Either way, I had no control over what happened.

We hit the only spot of the field where there was a slight embankment, and that caused the truck to roll. I'm told that the insurance agent called it a slow roll, which is the worst kind.

We rolled one and a half times and came to rest upside down.

I couldn't see Tiffany because the couch cushion was between us.

She wouldn't respond to me shouting her name.

I hoped she was unconscious. But, she was already gone. 

I hope that you, like me, can find some small, small comfort in knowing that she died instantly and she didn't suffer.

My left clavicle was broken, but I was determined to get to my wife. My phone was gone, so I couldn't call for help. So, I reached into my left pocket with my right hand and retrieved my pocket knife. I used it to cut myself out of the seatbelt. Much to my dismay, I couldn't climb out of the driver side window, the cab was too smashed in.

Someone, who I never saw the face of, showed up relatively soon. I told him I was okay and I begged him to check on my wife. This man was smart enough to dial 911 first. He then went to check on Tiffany, and he said that he couldn't see her. This was not a good sign.

The emergency crew arrived within minutes as I continued to call her name, praying that she would respond.

Zach, the son-in-law of the people whose truck I was driving was one of the first responders. He was the first person that made me feel safe.

It took a while for them to get me out of the truck. They had to secure it so that it wouldn't collapse more as they cut me out. The moment they pulled me out, I tried to crawl back in for my wife. But, the effort was short-lived, there was a lot more of them than there was of me and they held me down to the stretcher and strapped me in. They were doing their job.

I was placed in an ambulance where I was placed in a neck brace and given a shot of morphine. They said they had to take me to Decatur because Portland was full. 

I asked the emergency worker one time. I asked him to shoot me straight about Tiffany. He said it didn't look good. I didn't ask him again. If he knew she was gone, I wasn't going to make him tell me, and I wasn't going to hear it from him.

Decatur wouldn't take me because they were afraid my injuries were too severe. (They weren't) So, they had to take me to Fort Wayne. They asked if I wanted to go to Parkview or Lutheran. I told them I liked the name Lutheran better.

We got to the hospital, they looked me over, and they x-rayed me. A woman came in to get my insurance info and she asked who my emergency contact was, I said, "At this point, I don't know." That's when it really sank in and I began to cry. This woman, who I saw as a vulture preying on me in my time of weakness asking me about insurance and how I plan on paying the bills, looked over her shoulder to see who was around, and then asked if she could pray with me. She didn't have to do that. I'm so thankful she did.

Not long after that, Zach showed up with my friend and mentor pastor, Mark Strietelmeier. Mark took me by the hand and looked me in the eye. I looked him hard in the eye and I said, "You tell me what you know."

He said, "Robert, she's gone." And then he held me as I wept bitterly.

Not long after that, my parents arrived. God love them, they had to drive all the way from Richmond to Fort Wayne in weather that had gotten worse, not knowing what shape they were going to find me in and dealing with the news about Tiffany. We were all devastated.

We lingered in the emergency room long enough to collect ourselves for the drive home. Then we left.

Now you know about that night.

Mother's Day Lamentations

One of the most difficult things about grief is that you never know when it’s going to hit you.

This has been a tough morning.

I didn’t think Mother’s Day would be another painful first, but it is.

Tiffany wasn’t a mother, therein lies the source of my grief.

The fact that we didn’t have any children has been a double edged sword. On the one hand, I couldn’t imagine how much more difficult this would be if I had another human life dependent upon me. But, on the other hand, it would have been another piece of her that would have lived on.

Tiffany should have had the chance to become a mother; she would have been a wonderful mom. She loved kids so much. She loved her days working at the daycare, she loved the kids she worked with as a school psychologist, and most of all, she loved all the kids that her friends and family members were having in recent years.

Her face would just light up anytime there was a baby nearby.

So many of her/our friends are pregnant now, and it brings me such joy and sorrow. It’s not fair that she doesn’t get to be around to share in the joy with them. It’s not fair that she doesn’t get to be here, pregnant alongside them. It’s not fair that I won’t get to go on late night food runs to fulfill whatever obscure craving she’s having that evening.

But, what about any of this has been fair?

However, I do give thanks that this is the first Mother’s Day that she doesn’t have to miss her dear mother, for she is with her.

I will end the lamenting here. I started this post before church, and now that I’ve joined my friends in giving glory to God, I’m feeling better. I leave now to visit my own mother and take her out to lunch. Then, I get to go to Indy to see Brian, Rachel, Miles, and Jax. Oh Jax, the closest thing to a child that Tiffany had. I love seeing him, but I weep like a child for the first few minutes. But, don’t worry, I’m smiling through those tears.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers, and baby’s momma’s mommas…

Grace and Peace,

Robert

P.S. Here's one of the last photos I ever took of Tiffany. This was Thanksgiving. She's holding her cousin Kevin's baby and Jax is checking everything out.

Thank You, Indianapolis.

Last August, I had the privilege of being the emcee for an event that churches in my area worked on putting together. The event was called "Faith, Family, and Football". The event was centered around a very special guest, Josh Bleill. Josh is a double amputee veteran of the War in Iraq, he now works for the Indianapolis Colts as a community/motivational/inspirational speaker. 
Here's a photo of Josh and I.

Josh speaks to crowds varying in size from a classroom of first graders to a few thousand people in auditoriums. He delivers a message of hope, perseverance, and working hard to get back on your feet after you've been knocked down. You can check out his book "One Step at a Time" here, I enjoyed reading it.

Some folks from my church had seen him speak before and they were very moved by his story. So, they felt called to put together an event in our neck of the woods featuring Josh as the speaker.

The event was awesome. We had wonderful musical acts, another special guest speaker, and a color guard. I believe there were roughly 1,000 people in attendance. Josh delivered a wonderful speech that night, and we were all very thankful to have heard it.

I really enjoyed meeting Josh and spending time with him.

As you can imagine, in the days and weeks following the accident, I remembered Josh's story as I found myself taking life one step at a time.

To be honest, I'm still taking life one step at a time most days.

Something else also happened in the days and weeks following the accident. A member of my congregation wrote to Josh. She felt that Josh and I had made a good connection and she was compelled to let him know what happened. If anything, so that he could keep us all in his prayers. Josh's secretary wrote back to say that Josh was very sorry to hear the news, that we would be in his prayers, and he wanted my address.

Unrelated to Josh, the event, or my church, a good friend of mine reached out to the Colts. He wanted to let them know that a big fan had suffered a big loss in their life, so he wrote to them.

I'm unaware of when either letter was sent. Nor, did I know they were even written. But on January 23rd, I came home to a package from Colts Headquarters, and this letter was included.

Needless to say, I was floored.

I had my suspicions about how this very special letter came to be, so I called the member of my congregation to ask if she knew anything about it. She then told me her story.

After texting the image to my friends, my friend let me know that he had written the Colts as well.

Y'all sure know how to make a guy feel loved.

But, let's talk about that letter.

Wow, just wow.

I don't know who wrote the letter, as you can see it's not signed by any individual. I don't know if Josh wrote it, if a chaplain wrote it, or Hell, maybe Jim Irsay wrote it.

I don't know who wrote it, but I'm so thankful for their thoughtful words.

Let's be honest, this not a form letter. This was not an "auto-reply". Someone took their time. This came from the heart.

I still choke up more often than not when I read the letter. 

I'd like to highlight two lines in particular.

1- "We pray you will continue to have the strength to focus on the vision you and Tiffany had for your lives together."

I think about this a lot. On my hardest days, I try to remember the vision that we had for life. That vision included my completion of seminary and continuing to serve my two congregations. That vision is still alive, that vision I can continue. I celebrate that vision.

But, there's also a vision I can't continue. The vision of our lives together, the vision of having children, the vision of growing old together. I grieve the loss of that vision.

However, a colleague pointed out that perhaps I could honor that vision by one day remarrying and having children. (No time soon, of course.) It would not be the vision of Tiffany and I, but it would honor the vision we had together. If Tiffany loved me and believed in me enough to share life and children with me, then perhaps I can honor that vision by becoming the husband and father she knew I could be. It's a heavy, daunting thought and I'm still navigating it. Difficult as it may be, I'm glad he brought it to my attention.

2- "We hope that the qualities you admire most in Tiffany will live on in you and the world will be better for it."

After reading this, I feel like I need to recite the words from the Affirmation of Baptism, "I will, and I ask God to help and guide me."

Oh, that I could live out the qualities of my better half.

On the one hand, so much of me was her and so much of her was me. We fit together like a hand in a glove.

But, on the other hand. She was the most empathetic, caring, and genuinely loving person that I've ever known. And, even on my best days, I could never come close to filling her shoes.

But, God help me, I will try to do the best I can. She made the world a better place, she carried the love of God everywhere she went.

I could never begin to fill all the voids caused by her absence. I can only try to be a reflection of her love, which itself was a reflection of God's love.

The letter, and the thought and care that went into it's manifestation mean so much to me. I had the letter framed and I've placed it where I can see it everyday.

I don't read it everyday, but I know it's always there. It's always working to motivate and encourage me.

And for that, I could not be more grateful.

Thank you, Carol and Brian.
Thank you, Josh Bleill.
Thank you, Indianapolis Colts.

Grace, mercy, and peace to you all,
Robert

A little story that coincides with the big story.

This is not a cop out post, but it is a republication. 

Honestly, I had no time to write today. Not only did I not have time to write, there was no pressing issue that needed to be written about.

But, isn't that kind of the point? Shouldn't I be glad for a day that I don't feel the need to write the blog?

This blog exists for the purpose of releasing some of the thoughts rattling around in my head. And, don't get me wrong, there are still lots of things to write about. But, that day was not today.

I just came off of a fantastic weekend spent with friends, family, and a church community that welcomed me as a guest.

But, I wanted to share some writing I did back in February. It was part of my church's newsletter, and I shared it on Facebook. It's an important message to share. So, I figured today would be a good day to share it...

February 2014

Dear Friends,

Grace and Peace to you in the name of our risen Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

On Wednesday, January 15^th, one of my former students sent me a text message to ask if I had any lunch plans for the following day because he’d like to come up from Indy and take me out to lunch. I didn’t have any plans, so I told him I would love to meet him for lunch. What he didn’t know at the time was that the following day was Tiffany’s Birthday, another one of those painful firsts that I was preparing to face. So, naturally, I was trying to find ways to fill my day in Muncie by surrounding myself with those who care about and support me.

Thursday came, and so did another blanketing of snow. My student sent me a text to let me know he was leaving home and that he may be a little delayed by the snow. I told him to drive safely and not take any chances. About ten minutes later, he called to let me know that he had pulled off of the interstate and he was going to make his way back home. The snow had made the roads too dangerous for his car to traverse. Of course, I completely understood. At that point, he shared with me that something had moved him to text me the night before. He didn’t know that Thursday was Tiffany’s birthday. He said he was sitting with his wife and brother Wednesday night and something urged him to text me, something told him that I could use some company for lunch the next day.

Friends, those of us who follow the Triune God would call this the Holy Spirit. I believe it was the Holy Spirit who moved through my student and encouraged him to reach out to me on this particular day. Because, Lord knows, I needed some company. (Don’t worry, I found another friend to join me for lunch.)

But, we may ask, what of the snow? What of the weather? If the Holy Spirit moved my student to keep company with me on a day that I needed it, why would a snow storm dash our plans? Why would God allow a snowstorm to prevent us from getting together?

To that, I say, thank God for the gift of the Holy Spirit and the knowledge that it still moves. But, the reality is, that snow and rain still fall. Ice forms on roads and hurricanes make landfall along coasts. In Matthew’s Gospel, Jesus says that the sun shines on the evil and on the good, and it rains on the righteous and the unrighteous. It is not that God causes these things to happen; it is just the natural world we live in.

God’s Holy Spirit supports and guides us, but the world presents obstacles and disasters that will stand in our way. This does not mean God has abandoned us or caused these things to happen, it’s just the reality of the natural world around us; a world that joins us in longing for restoration, a world that waits with us for the day that all things will be made new.

Blessings,

Vicar Robert